Healing From Narcissistic Abuse
It has been a while since I blogged on my narcissistic experience. During this time, I did lots of therapy, spending time alone, and learning what was truly healthy for the soul. Healing from narcissisistic abuse is not an easy road to travel, but it is very possible… with time. Breaking those trauma bonds are also very possible as well.
So how did I know when I began moving forward? I knew that I was healing when I felt nothing at all. No missing the narcissist, no loving the narcissist, no hating the narcissist, no wanting revenge on the narcissist, no good or bad memories of the narcissist-nothing. Blank, void, the end. No feels whatsoever either way. It took a while to get to this point, but once you arrive here, it is simply amazing to have moved on fully. Most days, it honestly feels like I never had met him before and that is a very good feeling. I promise you, you will get there too!
How to Heal From Narcissistic Abuse
- The first way to heal from narcissistic abuse is no contact. Yes, do not contact them and leave them completely be. Do not look at their social media channels and do not ask people about them. Block mutual friends, family members-anyone associated with the narc. The point is, they need to stay away-for good-and you equally need to stay far, far away from anything associated with them in order to break the bond and heal properly. This was pretty easy for me to do, but for some its hard. I blocked the person whom he cheated on me with, his family, his friends, etc. From time to time, I would see acquaintances of his viewing my stories on Instagam-bam, blocked! Do not entertain any of it. Their goal is to pull you back in so do not go there.
- The second way to heal is to rely on yourself. Before the narc came along, chances are you were doing a lot better in life. Remember what a badass you were prior to the trauma and abuse. Remember that woman or man who made you YOU before your identity was wiped away and replaced with a fragment of your old self. You can easily do this by spending more time alone with yourself. I am not saying you should not hang out with anyone-you should! But take some time to enjoy being alone and not rushing into a relationship like your narc most likely did. I got to talk to whomever I wanted or go wherever I wanted without being told I couldn’t, controlled, or questioned about it. It felt so refreshing.
- On the flipside to number 2, do spend time with your support network! I made two really close girlfriends (and a couple close guy friends) after my experience and I leaned on them for support. Whenever I felt lonely or sad, they were there for me and I am so thankful for that. I had many, many low days and all I had to do was call or text them and they knew exactly how to lift me up. You NEED a good, wise person to vent to so please find at least one. And if you dont get out much like I do, try Bumble BFF! It works!!! Also… Through one of my close girlfriends, I met an amazing man who I have been seeing lately. It is so nice to finally have a healthy relationship and to date someone who treats me with unconditional love and respect. Someone who expects nothing, but wants to shower you with affection and gratitude. I thank God for sending me this amazing person to further heal my heart and to make me believe in love again! Go out there and make that healthy network of connections-you never know whom you will meet! 🙂
- When in doubt, go to therapy. Yes, therapy is a godsend! My therapist helped me see the nastiness in my relationship with the narc. She actually had a meeting with the both of us a couple of times and told me she saw how controlling he was firsthand. I was relieved to know that I was not wrong. Seeing a therapist can help you put the puzzle pieces together or perhaps find missing ones that you were looking for. They also offer an unbiased look into your hardest situations to help you make the best choices for you. I also invested in a life coach for several weeks as well which was even more enlightening. Do not be ashamed to ask for help.
- You must choose to let go of the fantasy and understand reality. When you are involved with a narcissist, you are living in an unrealistic realm. They promise you things one minute and the next they are punching some random person’s car door mirror for parking too closely to them on what is supposed to be a nice dinner date or calling you a “fucking bitch”, blaming you for the fact they reached out to escorts in tbe first place. Been there, done that lol. But you must understand that your entire relationship with the narcissist was a facade-it was never real… and that is okay. They never loved you because they were never capable of loving. I know, it is a hard concept to grasp, but once you do it is all uphill from here!
- Lastly, be grateful. Yes, I know how absurd this sounds. Why would anyone thank someone for putting them through abuse? I am not saying that the abuse was okay at all. But my narc taught me to be very thankful for the GOOD men out there that we often overlook or take for granted. The men who would never yell at me. The men who would never curse me out. The men who would never cheat. The men who would never lie. Good men do exist-we tend to overlook them for shitty, awful men. It is true, ladies. Once you find that good man, it will all make sense and you will be so grateful for your awful experience.
After being in a fantastic relationship recently paired with spending some single time alone before that, I have realized just what I needed and what I truly deserved. Life is so much better when you escape your narc and I urge you to please never ever go back under any circumstances. They will try to insert themselves into your present life somehow whether positively or negatively-trust me. This is called hoovering.
But pay them no mind and be thankful that they are no longer your problem. At the end of the day, all they want is your reaction which gives them the attention they are desperate for aka “supply.” Don’t react, don’t respond-they never existed.
You are better off alone. But when you find a better network, it will all click. You will see healthy patterns vs unhealthy ones. You will move on gracefully and they will hate it. But.. remember.. life could be worse.. you could be them.
Carry on! Love always.
Your trainer and friend,