The Best Marriage Advice I Ever Heard
The other day on Facebook, I had a comment from a follower that truly resonated with me.
She said, “My mother in law told me be careful! The thing you love most about your spouse now will be the thing you end up hating in the future!” When I first heard this, I thought no way… that is craziness. But when I started reflecting back on my failed marriage with Grady, lo and behold-I saw it.
When I first met Grady, what I loved most about him was his genuine kindness. He was truly kind to everyone and would give the shirt off of his back to even his enemy. He was truly selfless and that was rare to find. Another thing that I loved was how social he was-he was definitely a social butterfly and could strike up a convo with a complete stranger about anything. He had that kind of aura that could just put a smile on your face.
Fast forward 7 years and some change later, I found myself hating those things. I remember being at yoga class with him one morning and he said something (cannot remember what it was) to the class and I looked over him like he was insane. In the last couple of years of marriage, it would bother me that he was so social. I also hated that he would talk to strangers and I often felt he was “too kind” to the ones who did not deserve it.
During this time, I felt those things had made us incompatible. In actually, it wasn’t Grady or his qualities that was the issue….. it was me.
You see, how we perceive another human being is on us. Yep, you read that. We can be just as guilty at judging another because they see things differently OR more often the fact that we ourselves feel inaqeuate in that area.
For example, I am anti-social. Yes, for a public figure, I get social anxiety and it is so hard for me to make friends. I had a traumatic upbringing and my mother was the same way. Yay.. I am not the kindest person in the world-at least not on Grady’s level. I am absolutely not as social either. The point I am trying to make is that the things that I first loved about him, I started hating. Not because he was doing it all wrong.. but because I myself felt less and insecure. My mind conjured up those things to be a problem.
I think this happens a lot in marriages. We forget to check ourselves and ways of thinking. This is why fights happen and ultimately divorce. For anyone dealing with this, I would highly recommend you make two lists: what you love about your spouse and what you don’t love about your spouse and compare the two lists. Go down each reason and give yourself a valid reason for why you love or hate that quality. Is it more of a reflection of your own inner peace or lack thereof?
Ladies, examine yourselves. Has your heart gone cold? Has your mind turned bitter? Check yo’self before you wreck yo’self (and your marriage).
Ohhh the things that separation has taught me in the last 6 months. When you step away from a situation, it can force you to see things a lot more clearly. On that note, I have been receiving quite a bit of messages and comments asking me to work things out with Grady. I feel that I have already done my part to try and salvage what was left of this marriage. However, Grady has moved on and he has found his happiness with someone else. Although I am a tad bit jealous and it hurts like hell and most days you can find me ugly crying on the couch, I am very happy that he is happy.
Thank you all for the support and I wish you all the best in your relationships.
To read on What I Learned From My Failed Marriage, click here.
Your trainer and friend,