Your Spouse Does Not Complete You
I was one of those people who got married with unrealistic expectations. You find someone, you both fall in love, and then you get married. Automatically, this person becomes your world, your go-to, and your rock and you often believe they are all that you need. Wrong.
It took me almost this entire last year to realize that our spouses cannot complete us even though the media and fairy tales like to portray this. We find this person and we often think they are the answer to all of our problems. Wrong again. You are the answer.
When I was married to Grady, I felt he could “fix me” and I know he tried his best. I had many flaws and there were many things that I generally did not like about myself. I saw him as whole and good so I wanted that, too. Instead of doing the inner work for myself on myself, I thought simply being with him would make me complete. Then I realized, hey this person is human, too. Now what?
It is not your marriage’s job to fulfill you as a person. You can’t get mad at it or blame your spouse for not fulfilling you-that is your job. It took me so damn long to get this through my head. I left the marriage and sought out other people because in my mind I was stuck in this fantasy way of thinking “oh he doesnt make me happy, its not meant to be.” Bullshit. It was never his job to make me whole or happy-it was mine all along and I failed at that. His job was only to compliment what I had.
So for the last few months, I have focused on myself, done my inner work, and discovered what makes me happy. Your job is to fulfill yourself. Your job is to find your passion. I learned really quickly, your passsion cannot and will not ever be another human being.
Shortly after giving birth to my son Greyson I fell into postpartum depression. Literally, it stole the joy right from under my two feet. I lost the light. This was when holes started emerging in my marriage and I placed a lot of blame on the wrong person. I feel that this worsened over the years and led to poor decisions and ultimately us filing for divorce. One regret I have was that we did not utilize therapy as much as we should have. We only went one time and it didn’t go so well so we gave up on that, but we should’ve put our foot down and kept going and going. I still go to therapy to this day, alone, and it is a lifesaver.
What if you just sat still? What happens if you just sit and examine the holes in your life within yourself? The dissatisfaction, the unfulfillment, feeling less than-what if you looked at these things for what they are? What could be possible for your marriage or even your own self? It all starts wtih you. Every ounce of it. There is not another person in this world who will fulfill and satisfy you the way that you can.
I used to turn to outside forces to numb that pain I felt. Other people.. expensive purchases, drowning myself in my job, drinking.. you name it. I wanted to cover it all up and fill the void, momentarily. It was like I always had this bottomless pit of need and I blamed it on my marriage. I had unrealistic expectations and I want you guys to stop, open your eyes, and shine the light on your own selves.
Our marriage was 75 percent good and 25 percent not good. I threw it away just because of that 25%. Silly, right? I agree. I had a lot of growing up to do-a lot of holes to fill. I fell short of serving myself. You cannot be for anyone-not even your own children-what you are not willing to be for yourself.
I went on for many years as an empty shell of myself. It wasn’t until regular therapy sessions and going to church that I started rediscovering myself again. But this time, in all the right ways. My weekly Wednesday women’s life group at church has been one of my favorite things lately! Developing those meaningful friendships that I had missed out on.
If you are considering leaving your marriage today because you feel your spouse and you lack connection, please take this as your warning to stop. Stop and look into your own self. See in what ways you can work on yourself to make your own self complete. Remember, your spouse cannot do this for you.
Your trainer and friend,