The Narcissistic Projection of You
First of all, thank you for all of the messages and emails regarding my last post. It was a very hard thing to write down. As many of you know, I started this career as a blogger and writing has always been a therapy to me. I also have inattentive ADHD so things on paper or typed tend to make more sense to me. I do hope to blog more within the next year-especially if it means helping other women through emotional or narcissistic abuse.
Today, I woke up feeling an empty pit in my stomach. After I woke up, I burnt some old letters, ugly cried, and prayed to God. I let the past year go. Then I went out and had the best day ever with new people and friends. I had the best day that I have had in a very long time. For once, it felt sooo good to not have someone telling me I was not good enough for him or how I have to prove X, Y, & Z to him. Because I knew I was good enough for myself.
A year ago today, I met this person and was so happy about him and the possibilities of a good thing. Fast-forward today, I shake my head and I am in disbelief at everything that has happened. If you would have asked me a year ago today if I knew this could ever happen, I would have thought no way. This guy seemed so charming, perfect, good kisser, picked me up physically (which is something I adored), nice smile, funny-you name it. He made me feel so special and important. Who would’ve ever thought that my hopes would’ve been crushed so badly. I would have given this guy my all-and I did for a while.
When we are told negative things about ourselves repetitively, we tend to start believing them. Think about a child who’s parent never gave them approval, love, or attention. Imagine being told by your parent that you are unworthy, a problem, not good enough. That child will grow up to have a low self esteem, be insecure, and believe this about themselves. An adult is no different. Our brains will take these traumas and replay them over and over until we actually believe it.
When you are stuck in a relationship and constantly being told how bad you are, how their life was better before they met you, how everyone hates you, how you aren’t loyal or loving enough, or that you don’t give your all-you start to believe it. Somehow you are the one left feeling wrong, guilty, unloved, and unworthy.
This is called projection and its done when a person projects their own feelings onto you. This is a typical narcissist move, but anyone can project their own thoughts, feelings, and opinions onto you.
Projection can leave you questioning your own self and sanity while making you feel as if you are not good enough. Essentially, all narcissists tell on themselves.
Through projection, they call you what they are. They accuse you of doing what they’re doing or planning on doing. They throw all the uncomfortable feelings onto you because they don’t want to deal with them. They throw their shame on you so they don’t have to deal with it. They make you feel guilty for who they are and what they’re doing because they’re unable to feel that guilt themselves.
Here are some examples:
Calling You Out On Things You Are Not
A classic example, “You’re cheating on me,” when you are not, but you can bet they’re cheating on you. I would always be accused of having a guilty conscious each time I came to my narc boyfriend about my insecurities and how I felt like he was maybe talking to other women behind my back. Perhapssss I felt this way because he cheated on me before?
On day #3 of our breakup, I learned he had in fact been cheating on me with a girl named Alyssa. I had a friend who sent me a photo of them together, flaunting away on the beach. Not really even sure if she knew we had just slept togeher… Anyway, I had noticed this chick on his social media for over a month ago, but he said she was no body. Rightttt. Cheaters are what they are and will never change. Narcissists are prone to cheating because get get bored. Even after the escort incident in which I found my narc contacting TWO escorts for sex while on a work trip.. I will get more into “new sources of supply” in another blog post soon.
It sucks because for the last month of our pitiful relationSHIT he made me block every male involved in my life. Even the males I had been friends-legit friends-fot YEARS. All while he was talking to this tramp and probably several others. Good riddance.
Another good projection… “you are selfish!” when the person who says this actually is. I was told that I was selfish for wanting to get my ear pierced on Father’s Day. Keep in mind, we didn’t have a kid together but I spent his Father’s Day with him. Heck, I spent my Mother’s Day with him and brought my kids to his mom’s house because he wanted to spend it with her. Yet I am the selfish one? Riiiight.
You’ve set a boundary and you don’t give the narcissist what he wants, so the narcissist calls you selfish. This is because you won’t allow them to have their way. You know, you are actually sticking up for yourself.
For example on Christmas, I asked my narc boyfriend to please come over a couple of hours later than we had originally planned because my childrens’ father decided he was coming over at the same time (and I wanted to avoid a clash.) He was about to walk out the door to come over. The response I got was: “But we already had plans!! Don’t let your husband tell you what to do!!” Yet this guy was definitely telling me what to do. See the irony here? I asked him for something and got denied. He definitely rejected my boundary. The day ended up being akward and my husband barely had time with my kids because they were playing wih my boyfriend’s kid. This was something I wanted to avoid. But this is what happens when you do not stick to your own boundaries-you get walked on and you resent later.
Another boundary involved my daughter’s birthday. I let the narc bf know my husband would be coming to her party at my home. In his mind, he felt he should not be allowed inside my home at all-even though he does not pay my mortgage or own my home. I told him that I was considering allowing my husband to attend the part and I got resposes such as:
- “If he comes, I am not coming!”
- “If he comes, I am going to take him outside and talk to him about some thing!”
- “Its either HIM or ME coming to the party! You choose.”
- Then it got so bad when he did not get his way that he told me he would put Marlow, my goldendoodle whom he was watching for me, out on the road and turn him loose…. yeah.
Bottom line is: both times (there were more times than just these two) I felt backed into a corner and my boundaries were crossed. Someone who loves and appreciates you will respect your boundaries. Period.
The “No, You!” Defense
This was something I had to deal with everytime I came to him with a complaint or something that was bothering me. I would say something such as “I don’t like when you yell at me.” They will say: “You yell at me too!”
Or “Hey I think you are being kinda rude about this” and getting the response of “You are being rude too!”
I felt a lot of times when I tried to convey my feelings, it went around in never ending circles. I wanted to communicate with him so badly and just to be heard. But it never truly would happen. The narcissist in general does not like when fingers are pointed at them. They feel backed into a corner and so they lash out at you-even though you did not mean to offend them. I felt no matter what I said to him, I was always deflected.
May I add that, no matter what he projected onto me, I loved this person with all of my being. I thought we had a future together until I realized things were extremely dysfunctional and that no matter what I did or how hard I tried, he was never happy with it or me. I realized he has his own issues he must face before he could ever be truly happy within a relationship. The way I was treated is no way to live, no matter how much you love a person. I put up with abuse over and over again because I wanted to believe the best in this man. But you have to know when to close the chapter and start a new one.
Something that has been a Godsend is therapy. I have been going to therapy every two weeks or so and it has been so eye opening. We plan on doing some EMDR therapy next week to help heal any unresolved trauma that I went through as a child from my mom. I highly recommend.
In conclusion, I want you to know that you are good enough. You are good enough today. You were good enough yesterday. You are good enough tomorrow. Regardless of what some asshole says. People tend to project to escape their own flaws so I want you to remember that. They are hurting. There is a scared little child within these people who craves adoration and love. When someone goes out of their way to make YOU feel less, chances are, they hurt way more than you do and it is never about you. So go ahead with your bad and beautiful selves and know you are worthy of it all.
Feel free to read How I Survived My Narcissistic Relationship.
Your trainer and friend,