What It Feels Like to Be “Touched Out”
When I become a mom, my main form of communication switched drastically from verbal to physical. Breastfeeding a toddler and a newborn. Constantly holding a child in my arms. Being tugged at, groped, kicked, punched, and pounced on. Being constantly asked for, yelled at, “mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy.” Not being able to pee or poop in peace or going anywhere alone for that matter. Having to change endless diapers, clean up messy faces and hands, and give multiple baths. It can all get to be too much to handle.
I used to be so affectionate and I used to love affection… until I had kids.
Being a tandem nursing mother (feeding both a toddler and new baby), everytime my toddler sees me feed my newborn, he gets jealous and wants boob, too. After I nurse her, I will then nurse him. But after just a few minutes sometimes, I will push him away and say “I just can’t do this. I want space”
When my husband comes home from work, I know he craves attention and affection, but the last things that I want to give are those things. Sometimes I feel that if I have to give myself out to just one more person, I will literally snap. Sometimes I do not even want to be in my own skin. I thought I was just being irritable, overwhelmed, and tired until a reader asked me if I had ever dealt with being “touched out.” I had no idea what she meant because I had never heard the term before.. until I started reading about it. Oh my, it all begun to make sense.
Being “touched out” is a common occurrence among mothers who breastfeed, co-sleep, and are tugged on by their children all hours of the day. It is moreso common in stay at home moms, though all mothers can experience this at some point when they have been sensory overloaded.
Instead of hugging my husband when he gets home from work, I ask him to take our son so I can have some peace and quiet. When my short lived 5 minutes of “peace and quiet” is over with, I am back to resuming the breastfeeding, cleaning, cooking, touching, and being touched by the kids. My poor husband never gets his affection because I literally feel like I can’t give myself. It is such a guilty feeling, but now I am so happy that I know that this is really a thing all mothers and wives deal with at some point-and it is completely ok to feel this way.
Though it is okay to feel the way that you do, if you do not make a plan or realize your feelings to get better, you could end up going crazy or further damaging your relationship with your spouse and children.
Here are some tips to dealing with being “touched out”:
- Acknowledge your feelings. Do not be ashamed to feel this way. You are NOT alone, lady. The sooner you acknowledge your feelings, the sooner you will be able to work your way through them and feel better. Do not fear judgement. Do not fear what people will think. You have got to do this part for yourself in order to move forward.
- Talk to your spouse. Your husband has no freaking idea what is going on inside your head. Chances are, he thinks you are no longer interested in him or even the marriage itself. So please be open and honest so he can help you through this. If you do not have a spouse, talk to a family member or friend. It is okay to ask for help when you need it the most. Talking about your feelings can really do you worlds of good. Give a good cry and just let it all out. You need it, mama.
- Create an emotional space. Most of being “touched out” isn’t even all that physical-it is mentally challenging. You literally feel like your head will explode. You want to disappear. You want to run away from everyone and just be alone. So, do just that. Clear your mind and let go. Stop thinking about your husband and kids. Stop thinking about the dirty dishes and laundry. Stop thinking about that deadline for work. Lay down in a dark room, close your eyes, and let go. Sometimes, I will get a massage for 90 minutes just for this reason.
- Create a physical space. In order to really get back to reality and feeling like yourself, you need to get up out of the house and away from your husband and kids. It may sound selfish, but trust me, it’s not. Your husband and kids NEED you and they deserve your very best. In order to be at your best, you have got to take care of yourself first. Give yourself some time to miss the husband and kids, to miss the nagging, to miss the feeling of being wanted. Get out and go somewhere alone. At least for one hour.
- Reconnect with your husband and kids. When you have acknowledged the issue, talked about it, and have gotten the space you need, you will come back to your family feeling refreshed and ready to tackle on the next day. Give your husband that hug and kiss he has been longing for. Hold your kiddos. You will come back feeling grateful for your family and your time away instead of wanting to run the opposite direction.
My body is no longer my own, and somedays I wonder if I will ever get it back, though I would gladly give it for my children again and again. It is ok to feel worn out, exhausted, and just done with your day. It is a real issue so do not feel ashamed of it. But do not forget to reclaim your body and to take care of yourself.
Your trainer and friend,
