The Narcissist and Their New Supply (Girlfriend/Boyfriend)
I have mentioned before in past blogs that narcissists need attention in order to survive. This form of attention is brought to the narcissist by a new supply which is a girlfriend or boyfriend. In most cases your nacissist has already spent months or weeks grooming their new supply to take your spot once he tires of you. In my case, this was oh so true. We broke up on July 2 and he started “officially” dating his new fling on July 6.
We broke up on a Thursday and by Sunday, I was being sent photos of him with his new girlfriend on the beach that she posted. I admit, it stung like hell. After all, this guy was just in my bed having sex with me Wednesday evening and telling me he loved me so much. The next day, he broke with me. Ooof. These two were snuggled up in the water on a boat trip that he was supposed to take me on. The feeling was very harsh, but it was eye opening because I got to finally see him for what he was and that our relationship was a mockery, not real. This is just how the narcissist operates though. It was and never will be personal so remember that. These people are psychologically unrooted.
You see, he didn’t just dump me and find a new girlfiend 3 days later oh so conveniently-he had already found her and was working his magic while also hanging on to me for whatever remaining supply that he could extract. This is very typical of a narcissist so please do not blame yourself as if you did something wrong. This is a very dysfunctional relationship and soon the new supply will see this once the mask falls off. Remember, the narcissist always tells on themselves.
Honestly, I was so comforted by the fact that I was right all along. My gut instincts told me that he was cheating on me. The projections-him accusing ME of cheating-also had me cautious. I had seen this girl on his posts before-liking his shirtless selfies etc. So I will go on a wild guess that he was probably grooming her since at least May. Most narcissists do cheat, sadly. I remember feeling like I could never give him enough of my time or attention. I had 2 kids, ran a full time business, and was going through a divorce so I had a lot on my plate. My biggest regret though was ever allowing him around my children and I am thankful that his new supply does not have any.
You need to realize that most narcissists will find a new supply before they ever even dump you-before your relationship ends. This means while he is cheating on you, he’s already misleading and being dishonest to the new girl or boy aka supply. Great for her/him? Ehhhh…. not so much. Take it as a blessing that you are not their toy anymore. Whether his new girlfriend knows he was in my bed a couple days prior or not, I am sure she is blinded by all of the love bombing and attention that he is giving her. I mean, I was in the beginning. The love bombing stage felt nice. He would always post on my page, tag me on posts, comment on mine, text me alllllll day and night, and call often. But this is what they do and that is why it is called the love bombing stage of the narcissistc abuse cycle.
I felt duped. Just the weekend before, he was snuggling up to my kids as we took them to a trampoline park. Then the next weekend, with his new fling. But that is how the cookie crumbles when you date a narcissist. There is never a true version of themselves and they will take on the personality of their supplies to suit their best interest. If you enjoy yoga, they’ll like yoga. If you start gardening, they will suddenty have an interest. Just watch. They lack epitome of their true selves.
I was in bed for days dealing with the affects and aftermath. This guy not only lied, cheated, and stole my soul, but the effects from the trauma bond and steady emotioanl/physical abuse was something that had me unable to operate. But I thankful for God, for my pastor Jeff, this blog for giving me a voice to educate other women on narcissistic abuse, my life coach Stephanie Lynn, my therapist Kate, my kids, and good friends that I happened to meet during this rough time.
I know you have a lot of questions and I am so happy to answer them because I am sure you have felt the pain, too.
Why Do Narcissists Find New Supply?
When the human object, who is supposed to fix the narcissist’s dire insecurities and lack of self, can’t live up to ego’s insatiable requirements, then the narcissist will start controlling, punishing and/or sourcing new sources of supply on the side that may be able to do the job. This basically means when I was no longer doing a good job at giving him enough attention to distract him from his emotional shortcomings, it was time to find someone else to fit the bill.
Narcissists have an extremely low threshold for boredom. The very things they say they love about you in the beginning soon become the bane of their existence. They are going to be extremely aggravated by these things as time goes on because their whole agenda is to tear you down. Therefore, once they get bored and the love chemicals start wearing off and they see that you are a real person and not some movie character they made up in their mind, that’s when things start to unravel because they haven’t formed any bond with you.
It may look like they’ve moved on fast and truly some do, but you have to know they already moved on before leaving you-or letting you know. They will even move fast within their new relationship, too. I remember within a month or two of meeting my ex narc, he was looking at houses for us to move into. He wanted to BUY a house with me and get me to move to his city. Often he told me he wanted to marry me and have kids. He did not use protection ever and I felt he secretly wanted me to get pregnant (I had asked him to wear a condom once because I was taking antibiotics on the pill and he did not want to). They have many tricks to trapping you because they have a strong fear of abandonement deep down.
I remember towards the last 3 months, I was told how I was not trying hard enough, how I was cheating on him supposedly, how I didn’t give him enough attention, how he didn’t feel like a priorty, we did not have enough sex, how I hung out with my friends too much, and how I had to block every single man in my life… the list went on. This was later found to be called projection.
The sources of supply or people are expendable/interchangeable when:
- The narcissist fails repeatedly (letting the partner down due to lies and infidelity, failing in business, unable to stand out and be special) and the presence of the source (i.e., spouse or partner) becomes a constant reminder of their failures.
- The stimulating effects of the source wear off and the narcissist becomes bored. Remember, they can’t emotionally bond so their connections are always superficial and short-lived.
- The narc realizes they’re addicted to the supply and resents their dependency on the source. Their fragile ego won’t allow them to accept this dependency, so they devalue the source to quiet this pain
So, unless you’re okay with shapeshifting every moment of the day to appease the psyche of such a dysfunctional person, the best thing you can do is stop trying to figure out the narcissist. Cut that anchor and sail away…
Alyssa was not the first source of supply for my ex-narc. I have mentioned him cheating on me with multiple escorts before. But I noticed this, and don’t mind me because this might be TMI, but I noticed after dating him that I would get frequent vaginal infections. I thought, how weird? This is a first? He even told me his girlfriend before me complained of the same issue… I guess it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out why she and I both got vaginal infections after having sex with this guy. You can only imagine why….
Do Narcissists Treat Their New Supply Differently?
No, not at all.. The narc has zero sense of self therefore they will continue doing what they have always done. They will Lovebomb, Devalue, Discard, and Hoover you for weeks, months, and years. We broke up around ten times in one year the cycle continued on-I began to take notice of every stage and could predict when the hoover or discard stages would take place. Your narcissist is very predictable. I will honestly say that I feel he will do the same thing to his new girlfriend.. and to the next one.. and to the next one. It will always be their faults in his eyes.
Listen, it’s virtually impossible for a mentally and emotionally whole person to feel genuine love, adoration, affection, and deep bond with one person — then instantly feel those same exact things for someone else… especially within 3 days. This is what I had to tell myself. This guy told me he loved me Thursday morning on the phone-the day we broke up. But I had to realize he didn’t mean it. He never loved me. This man was incapable of knowing how to love and will always will be-unless he got some serious help.
See, the narc’s definition of “love” is so far removed from that of a “normal” person’s, that survivors often get stuck trying to wrap their heads around this idea. They don’t love the new person more or less than they did you, because they are literally unable to love like we do. They cannot emotionally bond, so their “love” is strictly based on how much and how easily they can get supply.
Their new girlfriend or boyfriend will be taken out like yesterday’s trash and it is only a matter of time before the victim figures out that this person isn’t quite right. Thus, the cycle continues..
Does a Narcissist Change With Their New Supply?
Not even. The narcissist takes everyone they trap (lovers, family, friends, coworkers, bystanders, even pets!) through that same cycle. The reason why they do not change is because they see nothing wrong with themselves. They never see themselves as the broken people that they are.
- No. The new victim did not magically heal the narcissist from their personality disorder.
- No. They didn’t convince the narc to change into the most gentle, loving, and considerate person.
- And no. The skies did not part and the angels did not bless the narc with a new heart of true love.
And I am 100% confident that the person he dropped me like yesterday’s trash for, will get the same… as well as the person after that… and so on.
100% — without a doubt.
That’s why it’s called a cycle of abuse. They deplete every last ounce of our spirit & energy, and instead of helping us refill our bucket like a loving & healthy partner, they kick us aside and move on to the next source of supply.
What Does a Narcissist Truly Want?
What matters most to them is having someone who will tolerate their ways. Even then, it’s important to understand that you can tolerate them until you’re blue in the face, but it’s not going to guarantee that you are going to be the one the narcissist prefers because honestly, narcissists don’t prefer anyone.
- The narc will want you to dress the way they want you to. Mine used to always tell me to wear heels more.
- The narc will tell you who you can and cannot talk to. I was not allowed to have any male friends or contacts.
- The narc wants to isolate you. The narc will make you feel guilty about spending too much time with your friends to where you avoid going out to avoid a fight.
- The narc wants excessive admiration. They want you to post pics of them often. They want attention all the time. They want to blow up your phone. They want you to comment on all of their posts. This is how they get supply and once you stop, they will let you know about it
- The narc wants to be loved, admired, highly thought of. They constantly crave approval, validation, reassurance that they’re seen in the best possible light. They have little tolerance for criticism or rejection. They become enraged with people who disagree with them. They need others to fawn over them and make a fuss. Otherwise, they’re reminded of the emptiness inside them that hurts so much.
So if you are ok with giving the narc everything he wants, losing your voice, and becoming their puppet, go right on ahead. It was not how I wanted to live my life and it was not whom I wanted around my children.
They Naturally Will Flaunt The New Supply
First of all, this is in no way a reflection of your value. You didn’t do anything to deserve such disrespect. And what respectable adult would intentionally behave this way — with pride?
It doesn’t even matter whether you are a direct witness or not. They’re shamelessly announcing this to friends and connections, likely hoping someone will report this back to you so you’ll provide them with even more narcissistic supply (your negative reaction serves to validate their worth). They want you to know. They want a reaction. They want to hurt you. They love it. Their flaunting of their new relationship has more about hurting you than it is about showing off the new supply.
Honestly, whether your ex is a narcissist, psychopath, sociopath, or just a monumental jerk, parading their new relationship and/or flaunting how they’ve been unfaithful to you shows their lack of integrity and low-quality character. Although it hurt at first, I became happy that I saw how quickly he moved on, that he cheated on me, and how he was flaunting it all over the place. It helped me to realize that this man had not changed, but that I was not his victim anymore. He had a new shiny toy to abuse now-not me. Don’t get me wrong-I hate it for her. I know what is coming. But I am going to stick to the sidelines, pray for her, and hope she will get out less unscathed than I did.
The kicker: All this celebrating isn’t even about the new victim. She/he does not matter to the narc. Only how the narc is perceived matters to the narc.
Narcissists are unable to emotionally bond, leaving them without the ability to store genuine, loving feelings. As such, the relief they receive from all that narcissistic supply must constantly be replenished.
You can compare this to a leaky bucket — requiring constant refills with nothing of real substance to offer anyone else.
This is why they always have to have something going on.
- Something planned
- Someone on the side
- Something to think about
- Something great to announce
- Something new to show off
- Something— ANYTHING to get them attention so others can reassure them, “Yes, you exist.”
Only when they’re able to extract narcissistic supply from those around them, do they find temporary relief from their empty, non-existing-ness. So, they wave the new person and their happy life all over the place to stock up on as much narcissistic supply as they possibly can.
Are you starting to see how the flaunting doesn’t have much to do with this next victim as a person? I remember when he started flaunting me all over his social during dating. I think back and it all clicks. I can see the power trip forming now.
This is why going No Contact is not only important for your safety and sanity, but a powerful weapon against the always NEEDY abuser. You cannot allow them to contact you ever, ever again.
No.. You Aren’t In Love-It Is Called a Trauma Bond
A trauma bond is the addiction to your abuser. How does trauma bonding happen?
During the narcissistic relationship, the abuser uses a manipulation tactic known as intermittent reinforcement.
This effect even works on a biochemical level; when pleasurable moments are few and far in between, merged with cruelty, the reward circuits associated with a toxic relationship actually become strengthened. When pleasure is predictable, our reward circuits become accustomed to it and our brain actually releases less dopamine over time when with a consistently good partner. It could be argued that in many cases, rejection and chaos by a toxic partner creates an addiction that is far more long-lasting than the predictable quality of “stable” love.
The abuser withholds attention, provokes insecurity, blame-shifts, and invalidates your thoughts and feelings — leaving you to wonder what the heck you could be doing to push your soulmate away.
But, every once in a while, the narc throws scraps of love and affection your way. This makes your heart light up and think, “Finally! The perfect relationship I knew is returning to normal!” This is also a tactic called breadcrumbing.
Sadly, the coldness & distance return — and you’re back to feeling alone, confused, and longing for that perfect person you knew from before. Pssst… they never existed. It was all a facade.
And just when you think the relationship is finally coming to an end (again), the narc throws you bits of “love” (again), giving you relief from the pain and reigniting your hope for the return of your soulmate (again).
And so it continues.
Emotional abuse can change your brain-moreso than physical abuse and I have had both. The logical part of your brain is numbed out to protect you from shock, leaving you to function mainly from the emotional part of your brain. If that’s not scary and disturbing, I don’t know what is.
This is why at this point, you will do just about anything for those scraps of attention. You’ve become addicted to the INTENSE feeling of RELIEF after being treated so poorly by the love of your life.
So if you find yourself wondering:
- Why you still can’t let go of the one person who treated you exactly the way s/he swore on their life to never do.
- Why you still love the abuser so much.
- Why after being dragged through hell, you’re still determined to hold onto hope that things can possibly still change for the better…
- You can be sure you’re not bound to the narc by love, but addiction. This is trauma bonding. An addiction to the feeling of relief after prolonged emotional pain caused by the abuser.
Absolutely not love by a long shot.
You’re not even thinking clearly anymore — you’re reacting to your addiction. This is dangerous and keeps you susceptible to harm. It’s the reason why doing No Contact is absolutely required.
Because the longer you remain focused on the narcissist, and the more effort and attention you give them after the relationship has ended, the more you will LOSE YOURSELF.
I am currently in therapy and doing EMDR to help break my trauma bonds so that I can find love within myself and to heal myself before I move on to another relationship. I am definitely not ready to love right now because I have to truly love and enjoy myself. I want to be whole before meeting someone else.
Will The Narcissist Ever Be Happy?
Not truly. They do a good job at looking the part, but that is all part of the facade.
The narcissist really needs to take responsibility for their own self-healing and self-love. Sadly, though, they keep seeing other people as the solution to their problem. This is why they line up other people or sources of supply to fulfill their needs before even leaving you. These people CANNOT and WILL NOT be alone. This is why you seem them jumping from relationship to relationship. They need to have that validation because they are empty and are not happy with themselves.
The narcissist will keep on using people to boost their self-esteem, but tragically for everyone, the narcissist will end up being angry at them because external validation can never heal their wound.
The narcissist wants the other person to make them feel good about themselves, but no-one can do this. Only the narcissist can heal their own wound.
The sad truth is that the narcissist is trapped. They’re convinced that approval and validation from others is what will heal them, so they never turn inward and love, validate and reassure themselves.
They are doomed to feel empty and miserable for their entire lives and they’ll blame the people around them for not loving them or validating them “enough,” even if these people are doing their very best to shore up the narcissist’s fragile ego.
I KNOW it’s hard. But you must not worry about what your narc is doing or WHOM they are doing. It is all superficial and before you know it, the new supply/girlfriend/boyfriend will endure what you just dealt with.
My best advice? Keep no contact and move on. Block them everywhere. If they contact you, do not answer. Know there are much better partners out there who will treat you with genuine love and respect-without wanting anything in return.
For more blogs on narcissism:
HOW TO SURVIVE A NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP
NARCISSISTS AND HOW THEY CONTROL YOU
THE NARCISSISTIC PROJECTION OF YOU
DATING A NARCISSIST: HOW TO HEAL FROM NARCISSTIC ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS
CAN A NARCISSIST REALLY CHANGE?
HEALING FROM NARCISSISTIC ABUSE
Your trainer and friend,